


Fugue

by viceroyvonmutini



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:15:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7678804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viceroyvonmutini/pseuds/viceroyvonmutini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's not flirting. She doesn't remember flirting. She doesn't even like flirting. She just likes her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fugue

**Author's Note:**

> anon prompt: Holtzbert being disgustingly domestic, like that fluffy shit before the relationship where everyone is like "how's your girlfriend?" and them just being "????????girlfriend??????" (I don't know, I don't do prompts often)
> 
> I definitely sort of twisted this a little. I had a draft written out, but as I went to type it up I completely changed the whole thing, which is why it took 5 solid hours to get to this point here. Down there. Words and things. I need a coffee.
> 
> I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to work out what I thought Holtzmann's sleep pattern would be. In the end I just used mine. Self-centred much?

She doesn’t like loud noises. Sharp, snappy sounds that shock her, and she jumps, every single time, violently and jarringly and there’s a tension in her fists as she tries to keep control of herself.

Erin doesn’t question it, which she likes – not that there’s a specific reason for it, she just doesn’t like the sound in her ears so loud and without warning: a sound that she didn’t know was coming. And she’s sure Erin is the only one who’s noticed. Why would anyone else notice: she’s a walking catalyst for explosions so not liking loud noises would be extremely inconvenient. It’s not that she hates loud noises, just unexpected ones. Ones she doesn’t create, like a wrench clattering to the floor by her ear, or the pop of a balloon.

She hates being caught off-guard. Erin knows this. She doesn’t know how Erin knows this. Maybe she just hopes Erin knows this, because it means Erin’s been paying as much attention to her as she has to Erin.

She’s thankful Erin doesn’t mention it, or tease her for it. She can get scared too.

Erin is dangerous. She doesn’t know it, but she is. More dangerous than anything Holtz has encountered before. More dangerous than anyone Holtz has encountered before. Because she can flirt with the best of them – better than the best of them, because she’s smart, and an obsessive study – but she’s not flirting with Erin. She’s not flirting with anyone, really. Not that she’s not still a great flirt, because she is, but she’s not flirting.

With Erin it’s a different type of flirting, if she is flirting, because typical flirting implies an impermanence she’s definitely uncomfortable with when applied to Erin, and she hopes Erin isn’t going anywhere. She hopes none of them will, at least not for a very long time, because they’re her friends, and she wants to spend the rest of her life with them. Even Kevin.

_She snoozes her alarm like she does every morning, wishing for a little bit longer and knowing that she technically could have the extra time, because it’s not like she has anyone to report to, but eventually the discipline kicks in, and she slowly pushes herself up, staring at the pillow she was face down in only moments ago._

_She doesn’t have to wake up now, but she does. 9am is the right time to at least set the alarm for: not too early, not too late, and she has so much to get done before forcing herself to sleep in the early hours of the morning, sun just peaking through the curtainless windows of her lab. If she sleeps, she can work better, and if she wakes up, she can work longer._

_She pushes her hair away from her face, noting how it always sticks together and knots in her sleep as she pulls herself cross-legged, staring at the door just to recalibrate. Her room is small – one of the 10 rooms on the third floor designed as living quarters for the previous occupants sleep rotating on shifts. Originally each room had two bunks, but all had swiftly decided sharing was not an option. Holtz had snapped this one after demanding the best view from her window, and each morning through the flimsy curtains the orange glow of a sunrise covered her space with warmth. She’d tossed out the bedframes and opted for just a mattress on the floor, happy to use the scratchy grey sheets already here, and the thin, featherless pillows left over._

_She stood up, stepped down from her mattress to the cold stone floor, and made her way to the bathrooms. She could hear the shower running inside, so waited against the wall for her turn, yawning and scratching her head slightly, trying to pull her hair back and away from her face._

_This was the bit she was worried about. Living with people. Her track record had been bad – awful, even – and there was so much that could go wrong. There was so much to find out about a person, and so much to hate. But it worked. She was happy it worked. Abby kept the fridge stocked, and they never ran out of toilet roll. Ever. Patty cooked – alternating with Erin, and she was pretty sure Erin had started taking notes because Patty could cook like nobody. Except sweet treats. That was her forte, and every so often the others would wake up to find a plate of half-eaten cookies, or muffins, and it was definitely one for the more surprising things Erin had found out about Holtz, but they both enjoyed baking, and it was far more adorable than should be allowed. Patty had even helped install the shower and bath complex Holtz had made room for, knocking through to one of the unused bedrooms. And it had been Erin who’d made sure the phone lines were operating, and the TV worked, and Holtz had all her gaming systems installed._

_It worked. They all worked. Holtz wondered whether this was what college was like for everyone else, and as Erin stepped out of the bathroom, hair dripping wet in nothing but a bathmat because, Holtz would later find out, she’d forgotten to get her towel out of the wash, she was glad she’d waited for this particular experience._

 

She knows how to flirt, and she’s as subtle as a brick. Refreshing, she’s been told; only she thinks it might not be flirting at all. Maybe she’s never been flirting - not in the way other people think, because she’s never anything more than she is: everywhere and scattered and utterly unfathomable. She definitely doesn’t want it to be flirting with Erin, because she’s always felt that flirting implies a deception: a sort of ulterior motive to charm others for personal gain, and an insincerity she doesn’t like. So she doesn’t actually like flirting; she likes hitting on pretty girls with pretty eyes and pretty hair the same way she likes to coo at her machines when they work for her. When she pries open their secrets.

 

_She hums to herself as she works. There’s no music today, because she can’t find the tape she wants and she’s not in the mood to look for it. She had an idea last night – a way to fix the containment unit so it does cause a radiation-induced temporal flux, the side effects of which include premature aging when in the vicinity for more than an hour. It makes working on Stuart (she calls him Stuart because only a man would be this obtuse) difficult, constantly retreating downstairs every 59 minutes for another cup of coffee._

_Each time she goes back downstairs, she offers Erin a wave and a smile, and Erin’s been counting the amount of coffee Holtz is drinking and decides to stage an intervention at the fifth in five hours._

_She knows when she’s about to enter the lab because the air shifts. She’s still not sure whether it’s the machines, whizzing and whirring, or the probably illegal radioactive substances, or just Holtz that causes it, but it warms her up and sets her hairs on edge, and that, she muses, might be some ancient survival instinct kicking in._

_Erin ignores it. She looks at Holtz hitting what she knows to be the prototype containment unit with a screwdriver in what looks to be frustration, and wonders how dangerous that is, knowing most of their equipment is fueled by nuclear physics. She looks at Holtz, and wonders what type of person could be just so blasé about safety, and rules, and other people’s rules, and Erin still hasn’t figured it out, but she knows that between the bouts of panic-induced heart attacks Holtz causes her, she finds she’s rather fond of Holtz and her mayhem._

_‘Holtz!’ she calls out, voice full of worry. ‘Should you being doing that?’_

_Holtz turns at the voice, yellow-tinted aviator goggles firmly over her eyes, looking frustrated but happy to see her._

_‘I’m just helping him along,’ she says, gesturing to the big device._

_‘Him?’_

_Erin is walking over now, arms folded across her chest as she comes to stand just in front of Holtz._

_‘Erin, meet Stuart. Stuart: Erin.’_

_‘You named a nuclear containment facility…Stuart?’_

_‘Yup. Why, do you have any suggestions? I can take suggestions, he just felt like a Stuart. Stuart or Steven. Or Paul. So, to what do I owe the pleasure?’_

_Erin blinks, momentarily having forgotten why she’s there, marveling at the mind in front of her. Loving it._

_‘Oh..uh, coffee! Coffee! You’ve had five cups in five hours Holtz, so I was worried about…about….your caffeine…addiction.’_

_Holtz tilts her head, and smiles, and Erin knows what’s coming. ‘Well, well, well. Worry me this, Erin Gilbert, you’re mothering me.’_

_‘I’m not… mothering you,’ she replies, subdued and embarrassed, because she really should have worded this better._

_‘Are those pearls? You’d suit oversized clip-on earrings, do you know that?’_

_‘No they…no I…’ She’s definitely blushing, and Holtz really shouldn’t have this effect on her while she’s being insulted. ‘I am not mothering you Holtzmann,’ she says, more strongly ‘I’m just concerned about whether you’ve been sleeping. And the safety of this building when you’re hopped up on caffeine toying with…Stuart over there.’_

_Holtz opens her mouth, but before she can say anything else, Erin cuts her off. ‘And no I am not jealous of Stuart, or the attention, or anything else.’_

_The words come out rushed and jumbled, Erin desperate to try and avoid another dose of embarrassment, but Holtz just looks at her, eyes amused but face utterly blank._

_‘I was going to say that I need to stop work every 59 minutes to avoid accelerated aging, a side effect I’m trying to fix if Stuart would stop being such a prick. I’m drinking coffee to pass the time.’_

_Erin blushes, and though Holtz has never seen a safety light in her life, she imagines they glow the same red as Erin’s cheeks right now. She also thinks that they wouldn’t be nearly as distracting to look at._

With Erin, everything’s different. She can tell. Because there’s something in the way she cares about the outcome, like if this fails and Erin hates her she’ll break like glass under a sledgehammer. It’s the best description she can come up with: she’s never felt that way before, but she knows she’d be sad. Sad if Erin didn’t even want to be her friend anymore.

She can’t just throw out lines with Erin and if they hit, then great, and if they don’t then she can always move on. With Erin, she wants them to hit. She wants to make Erin blush, and smile, and fidget, and fold her arms across her chest, and shrink into her oversized sweater under Holtz’s lavish praise because Erin, she’s noticed, is always cold. She wants to make Erin laugh, and all of this is selfish, because she just likes watching Erin, and being near Erin, and Erin’s awkward ways: a stiff awkward that somehow slots next to her own flamboyant awkward that disguises just the same anxiety as Erin’s, and she knows for a fact Erin knows this, but for the first time she feels both safe and vulnerable with another person.

But none of it is flirting. She’s not flirting. She’s not even not-flirting right, because Erin’s that anomaly when you’re trying to draw a straight line graph through the x’s of your results (something she hasn’t done since she was 14, thank you very much) and there’s that one x out in the sticks and nowhere near the line because you measured the data wrong, or the result surprised you, and just that one tiny x shifts the entire data set to the left.

 

_She wonders if Abby knows about this, muses Holtz, as she shimmies on the dark green helmet over her coils. She probably does. They’ve been friends since before college. Still, she can’t help but feel privy to a secret. She can’t help but feel honoured that Erin trusts her like this._

_She also can’t help but feel giddy at the thought of clutching on to Erin for the entire journey. She doesn’t even care where they’re going._

_‘You ride a moped.’_

_It’s not a question, or a judgment, just a light observation, and Erin’s thankful for that._

_Erin coughs, pulling back her hair into a low ponytail as she answers._

_‘I ride a motorbike. As well,’ she offers tentatively, like she’s worried what Holtzmann’s reaction will be._

_Holtz simply offers her a grin, one of those delighted ones with all her teeth showing._

_ ‘Nice.’  _

__

And Erin? She doesn’t want to call her oblivious, but short of wildly declaring her extreme romantic fascination with the woman there’s not much more she can do to clue her in. Or, more honestly: there’s no way on this plane or the next that she’s talking to Erin about this.

 

_‘If you don’t tell her I will.’_

_‘I thought you said I scare you?’ mumbles Holtz, terrified Patty isn’t joking._

_‘You might know how to mess up the whole city with a teaspoon but you know jack shit about love, Holtzy. You don’t scare me, not when you’re trailing Erin around like a puppy.’_

_‘I am a strong independent woman I’ll have you know.’_

_‘Uh huh. But you can’t tear your eyes from her, can you?’_

But even Erin must sense they have something: just a little closer than strictly friends, but not too close to be not-friends either. The type of not-friends who go out together, just the two of them, and laugh, and share their deepest darkest fears and dreams, and see each other in ways no one else will – in ways no one ever has, or ever will again.

She hopes no one else will ever see Erin just seconds after she’s woken up. She wants that just for her.

 

_It was a tiny lecture hall, but Erin was pleased it wasn’t empty. It wasn’t full, but it wasn’t empty. She’d been asked to give a short guest lecture on some basics of the Standard Model: elementary stuff she’d left behind years ago, but she missed lecturing just a little. She missed this raw physics. This basic theorem that underlined most modern understanding of particle physics being taught today. And she was grateful, if terrified, that this small tech college had asked her to come in and speak._

_She hadn’t told the others. Abby would deride the world of academia, which Erin didn’t hold against her in any way: she had a point, but she needed this. Patty would be supportive, but echo Abby’s wariness, and Holtz…it wasn’t impressive enough for Holtz. She couldn’t tell Holtz because what was it to Holtz? She could come to Holtz when she’d won the Nobel Prize. Then she would allow Holtz to be proud of her. Then she would feel, maybe, like she might deserve it._

_But for now, stood in front of this small gathering, she felt as comfortable as one could be stared at from all angles as she tried to make particles exciting._

_And then, right at the back – exactly where she imagined Holtz would have sat all through college – her eyes caught the distinctive coifed hair, and waist coat, and velveteen green jumpsuit, and she couldn’t help but smile at the wave Holtz threw her way._

_‘Holtz?’ she asks, just to make sure. The lecture hall had cleared out, and Holtz was walking down from the back. ‘How did you…?’_

_She shrugs. ‘Saw the note on your desk. You know, the one that reminded you to turn up? Big yellow Post-It.’_

_Erin flushes. ‘Oh.’_

_The two begin to walk out, Erin clutching her brown briefcase as Holtz’s hands thrust deep into her pockets, slouching along beside her._

_‘You didn’t have to come.’_

_‘Figured. You didn’t tell us.’_

_‘I didn’t think you’d be interested,’ mumbles Erin, sheepishly, and Holtz stops, turning to her._

_‘You didn’t think I’d be interested, or just in general? None of us would be interested?’_

_Erin thinks about lying._

_‘Both.’_

_Holtz frowns._

_‘I’m interested.’_

_‘Holtz, it’s basic stuff. You’d get more enjoyment from watching paint dry than you got listening to lecture.’_

_‘Not true. You don’t know how boring paint is until you watch it, and you, Erin Gilbert, are definitely not boring.’_

_Holtz, considering the matter closed, begins to walk off. Erin stands still for a moment, watching her go._

_‘Can we grab some yoghurt on the way back?’ calls Holtz over her shoulder. ‘I really want yoghurt.’_

_Erin shakes her head and smiles, before striding to catch up with her._

_‘Wait, how did you get here? Did you take the car?!’_

_Holtz grins._

_‘Holtz!’_

The problem with this – this fixation – is that it’s very much like a blinding supernova star…thing, exploding right in her face. All-consuming. Even with her goggles. There’s always a tiny part of her just contemplating Erin. Thinking about Erin. Thinking about what she’s wearing. Whether she’s okay. Knowing where Erin is at all times.

This leaves her with a distinct lack of perspective towards the whole thing, because there is no other perspective: why would she not focus on Erin, paranoid and confident in her flirting, and just trying not to make Erin run away. She just wants her to be happy – bonus points if she’s the one who makes her so.

Then, she’s not flirting, despite what Abby and Patty say. And even if they were right, which she denies they are, Erin hasn’t noticed she’s pretty sure, and nothing has changed. And nothing will change, she reminds herself.

It was super obvious that Jillian Holtzmann wouldn’t simply break physics for Erin Gilbert, but make sure it stayed together if she asked. It was super obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes. To Abby, and Patty, and the citizens of New York who followed their antics, and everyone they helped out, too.

Abby wasn’t surprised. With either of them. Especially not Erin. But as much as she loved playing Cupid in Erin’s love life all through college, this, she knew, was way more than the cute guy in the physics lab, and that interfering with this seemed wrong somehow, no matter how frustrating. Holtz seemed able to pull any other woman into her pants with a wink and a string of long words, but with Erin, Abby watched as Holtz would push and Erin would blush, and right when Abby was sure Erin would go for it, Holtz would pull back, scared of losing her forever.

If Holtz had actually asked Abby, she would have assured her with absolute certainty that Erin did not want to flee from Holtz ever, and in fact wanted to get closer to her. Much closer. Naked and in her bed closer.

But Holtz didn’t talk about, and so Abby didn’t talk about it, and Patty didn’t talk about it, and it just wasn’t talked about.

Pressure equals force divided by area, with the force being immeasurably large, and the area stiflingly small, the pressure therefore being so great as to be toppled from delicate equilibrium by the smallest of things.

Abby was sure it was going to have to be something huge to get this rolling, but she was (happily) proved wrong. It was the smallest of comments, in the most ordinary of places, at the most ordinary of times. No ghosts, ghouls, or gizmos. Just a lunch break trip to the bakery to pick up cupcakes, various French pastries, a baguette for Kevin, and four piping hot coffees.

The young cashier – she was young. Probably a student. Abby would never forget her face – didn’t know any better. She was new, they had never seen her before, and she watched as Erin and Holtzmann tried to pick out their desired three cupcakes to add to the 12 Cupcake Deal this place did.

And obviously, she had seen what Abby, and Patty, and the rest of the world saw, and so she made, in her defense, a perfectly reasonable assumption about the two.

‘So that’s three vanilla: one with blue, one with pink, and one with green icing-’

‘Yes,’ replied Erin, all business.

‘-and then three triple chocolate with extra silver balls for your girlfriend. Do you want the silver balls in a pot on the side, or on the cupcakes now?’

The world stopped for just a second, and Erin felt the air catch in her throat and prayed that her mouth wasn’t hanging open like a video paused in just the wrong spot, and she couldn’t tell whether it was just her, or the whole world that had stopped moving. She felt a stillness from Holtzmann stood to her right that told her, just for this second, that maybe she felt it too.

Erin was right. The rest of the world didn’t stop. A second, maybe less, and Abby chimed in with an answer, watching while the whole world moved and her two friends stood still.

And Holtz…it was a tiny incident. That’s all it was. It ran around her head over and over. She couldn’t even think the word, let alone speak it. And Erin…Erin seemed nonplussed, which was sort of a relief because it meant they didn’t have to talk about this, but also sent her into a spiral of doubt, and if she spent more time holed up in her lab over the next few weeks creating things that were hardly even useful, then no one mentioned it.

Nor did anyone mention the added awkward between them, and Patty really was busting to tell someone to get it together. Especially after the last time Erin and Holtz shared pizza, there was so much tension and stilted, overenthusiastic conversation between them, that Patty was ready to lock them in a cupboard for a round of Seven Minutes In Heaven And Counting.

Inevitably it was Patty who broke first, storming up into Holtzmann’s lab completely unannounced and with a disregard for her own personal safety Holtz would, under any other circumstance, be almost proud of.

‘Erin’s out with Abby, so we’re having a chat,’ called Patty, striding into the room. ‘Don’t you dare hide from me Holtzy.’

‘I’m not.’ She walked into view, munching on an Oreo from the packet in her hand. ‘What’s up?’

‘Right. Sit down.’

Holtz looked at her.

‘Fine. Don’t. But whether you like it or not, today is the day Holtz.’

Holtz furrowed her brow, searching in her mind. What was today? What had she missed? Was it important?

‘Erin Gilbert is going to come back, and she’ll walk up here like she always does, and this time Abby and I are leaving you two alone in the firehouse, and you’re going to talk. This. Out. Because I have had it with this high school romance shit thank you very much and you need to get that girl laid, Holtz, before someone else does.’

Holtz’s eyes were wide and bugged, but her face remained serious. She knew Patty was right, and she wasn’t going to argue, or question, or shrink from embarrassment… but how? How did Patty expect her to do that? To just…talk about it. With _Erin_. She wanted to ask for help. She wanted Patty to tell her what to do. Instead, she stayed silent.

‘Got it? Great. Now I’m heading back downstairs, and when I next see you I want to see some serious changes around here.’

As far as Patty was concerned, the conversation was over. She left Holtzmann alone, brain whirring as she thought out a plan. A solution, like she was trying to fix a broken radio. She needed to make this work. She needed to make herself make this work.

Eventually, she wandered back into the depths of her lab, sat on the floor with a pile of wires, and began stripping them. Methodically. One after the other, until they were just coils of copper.

That was how Erin found her – not that Holtz didn’t know she was coming. She had heard the door open, and Erin’s feet on the stairs, and the door close as Abby and Patty left. And instead of addressing any of those things, she had stripped her wires.

‘Holtz?’

Part of her didn’t want to be found. She knew Erin would find her. And she did, sat on the floor, surrounded by discarded wires and their lost insulation.

‘Holtz?’ Softer this time.

‘Hi.’ She drew out the word. Played with it. Disguised her nerves with quirks and ticks and knew (hoped) that Erin would see through everything.

‘Can I…sit?’

‘Sure. Free floor.’

Erin laughed, nervous as she cleared herself a spot and sat, deep in Holtz’s personal space. Staring at her.

‘Hi Holtz.’

‘Hi.’

She was still stripping the wires. It was all she could hear, peeling away at the layers.

‘Could you not…do that? Unless…unless it’s important, or you want to, but it’s just really distracting.’

‘Kinda the point,’ replied Holtz, but she did as asked, and finally – finally, echoed the voice in Erin’s head – Holtz looked at her.

‘What’s up?’ asked Holtz, apparently nonchalant.

Erin had a speech. Or a plan. Just…something concrete to get her started, but it all seemed pretty bad and unseductive and unconvincing, and completely the wrong way to go about it, so Erin got rid of it all.

‘Can I kiss you?’ she blurted, words fast but matter of fact, like she was asking about the weather.

‘Yes.’

Holtz wasn’t even grinning. Just watching. Looking at Erin. She didn’t even have to think about her answer.

Erin blinked. ‘I didn’t… what?’

Holtz nodded once. ‘Yes. If you want to, absolutely. If you’re down, I’m down. Unless you were joking, then I too, am joking. Whatever you want.’ Holtz was gesturing slightly with her hands as she spoke.

‘Oh.’

‘Did you want me to say no? I can say no. I can do that.’

She wasn’t sure that she could.

‘No! No no. I…I thought…I didn’t expect to say that. Me to say that. I had a plan. I thought…you’d run away. I didn’t really plan on…saying that.’

‘But you said it.’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you-‘

‘I meant it,’ blurted Erin, again. They were way, way off script.

Holtz swallowed. ‘Okay.’

‘Okay.’

‘Do you want to do it now?’ asked Holtz, almost scared at the answer.

‘Please.’

Holtz finally – finally, echoed the voice in Erin’s head – grinned.

‘Okay then Hotstuff.’

‘Shut up.’

Holtz opened her mouth to speak, but Erin cut her off. ‘Don’t say it.’

‘That I want you to make me shut up?’

Erin narrowed her eyes as Holtz shuffled closer. Their knees brushed, and Holtz was practically thrumming. As she leant in ever so slightly, watching Erin’s face so carefully, she had a thought.

‘Did Abby know?’

‘What?’

‘About…did she tell you to grow a pair and man up?’

Erin pulled back. ‘Wait, do you think I-‘

‘No no,’ soothed Holtz quickly, and a little sheepishly. ‘’It’s just Patty told me earlier that I needed to get my shit together and talk to you, so I assumed it was a whole divide and conquer thing going on.’

Erin looked confused. ‘No, Abby didn’t…I just, we drove past the,’ Erin coughed, ‘the bakery, and…’

‘Oh.’

Holtz nodded, satisfied, and was ready to try again when Erin stopped her.

‘Is that why you were hiding? And stripping?’ Holtz raised an eyebrow. ‘The wires, Holtz.’

Holtz looked away, and Erin’s features softened to something so tender Holtz was sure she didn’t deserve it.

‘You were nervous,’ said Erin.

‘Aren’t you?’

Holtz looked back at Erin’s face, now millimeters from her own.

‘Terrified,’ muttered Erin, stalling even now and Holtz could feel Erin’s shaking breath tickling her face. So she did the only thing she could think to calm Erin’s nerves.

She kissed her.

Finally.


End file.
